I think I’m gonna be sick
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
can’t believe I got front row seats
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated