Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

new record!

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up