Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i- i did not expect this

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”