Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Dune (2021)

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.