Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*