UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Not all heroes wear capes…
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?