I think I’m having a stroke
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Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?