I think I’m having a stroke
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?