“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all