“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Is fructose made with real fruct?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Can’t. Being lazy.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!