“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Ironic
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician