i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
#catsoftwitter
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?