Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”