Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Bruh PLEASE

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

what the hell girl, sure

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.