I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto