Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

screw you

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)