Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

waiting for halloween be like:

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad