I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-