I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!