I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Got him!
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
They got Raph!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor