I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Natty or not?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The honesty is refreshing
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes