I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario