I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row