I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.