I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Hmm, not sure about this change
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear