I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.