I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I have a type: disappointing
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.