I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I like long walks away from everyone
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing