I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Yes, this is exactly right
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks