I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
You Might Also Like
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?