I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!