I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
After how many years should you clean your microwave?