Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.