Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

twitter users today:

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.