Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic