I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Florida man
