Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham