I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You Might Also Like
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I love the National Park Service.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
me logging onto twitter
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”