I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[Texting]
My Brother: Here鈥檚 pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here鈥檚 pictures of my second breakfast
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they鈥檝e given you the Heimlich?
I鈥檓 out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*