Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

men are simple creatures

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?