I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
BRAKING NEWS!!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.