I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The game has officially changed 😎
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat