I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
You Might Also Like
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
respect
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.