Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.