Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

🧠

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

People with short hair don’t get dandruff, they get Pixie dust.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible