I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing