I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running