@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

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@meganamram

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

@iamchrisscott

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

@PetrickSara

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

@heatherjs

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

@reeni730

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

@3sunzzz

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

@tweetsaboutdog

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running