I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.