Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Cinema or bowling

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

john wicks are toilet candles

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool