I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Livid.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.