I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Growing up was a huge mistake
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman