I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

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i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone


If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.


When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.


[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God


[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme


I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.


Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.


“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.