I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.