@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

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@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@Jake_Vig

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

@shariv67

When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.

@Ygrene

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

@_brittanyv

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@Cheeseboy22

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.