I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You Might Also Like
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.