I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
giddy up Office Depot
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
