@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

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@AristotlesNZ

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@RandomManik

I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.

@lifecoachfit

I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.

@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@junejuly12

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

@SoVeryBritish

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

@thatcarlygirl

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog