@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

You Might Also Like

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@A_AronKing

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

@Zoozich

I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@TheHatStore

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@TheAndrewNadeau

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain