I wish that my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.
I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.
Shhhhh. Stop crying.
What do we want?
When do we want them?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog