I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it