Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.