I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Effort made
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]