I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please![]()
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.