I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I ate everything, including the H.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids