Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.