I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.