I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
You Might Also Like
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.