I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
When driving behind a slow-poke do you ever steer your car over to the side a bit so the car behind you can see this shit’s not your fault?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*