Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

A fake ID that makes you younger

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”