I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows