I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
What about second breakfast?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas