I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory