i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
they see me scrollin
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I’m not proud
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Love it! 👍😂
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
