Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

We like the way Dwight thinks

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!