Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

My ideal weight is five million dollars

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?