I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram