Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

😆

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

lost dog

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Erm…

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes